What? So What? Now What?

In From Power Struggles to Personal Power, we explored why honoring agency matters and why our goal as parents is not simply to raise obedient children, but to raise children who know how to choose, change, and create.

But how do we actually teach children to use their agency wisely?

How do we teach them to think for themselves without becoming permissive? How do we give them opportunities to make decisions without abandoning our responsibility to guide them? How do we teach them to recognize truth, weigh their options, and make wise choices—even when we are not there to tell them what to do?

The answer is to teach in a way that develops understanding, wise judgment, and self-governance.

God has given our children the capacity to think, reason, learn, discern, create, and receive revelation. Our role is not to do all of their thinking for them, but to help activate and develop the God-given intelligence already within them.

Instead of simply telling our children what to do, we can teach them how to think about what they are doing and why it matters.

One simple framework I use is:

What? So What? Now What?

This is a skill I learned from my teacher training which works just as well outside of the classroom.

What?

Teach the principle clearly. What do we want them to understand? Communicate that clearly. 

Keep it short, simple, and direct. Children need to know the true principles and what is expected of them.

Parents are commanded to teach their children diligently and to make teaching part of everyday life (Deuteronomy 6:6–7). Some of the most powerful teaching happens in ordinary moments—while driving in the car, preparing dinner, eating a meal together, walking to school, or working through a problem together.

As you set the intention in your heart to teach your children, the Lord will inspire you daily and provide His curriculum for what they need to learn.

So What?

Help them understand why it matters. We all need a reason to buy in because of our God-given agency. Rather than simply telling children what to think or do, teach them reasoning skills by helping them think through principles logically. Help them see: How will this bless me? Why does this matter in my life?

Children need to understand that we teach them for their own growth, development, happiness, and eternal benefit—not simply because their behaviour is more convenient for us as parents when they comply.

Ask questions. Listen to their answers. Give them time to think. Help them discover and explore the reasons behind the principle. You might ask, “Do you know why this is important?” or “Why do you think this is important?”

When children understand the why, learning becomes meaningful and personal. They are better able to integrate principles into their own lives, gradually building a strong foundation of values and virtues from which they can make their own wise choices.

The Lord teaches, “Come now, and let us reason together” (Isaiah 1:18). We can follow this pattern in our parenting by inviting our children to think, reason, ask questions, and discover truth with us.

Now What?

Help them act. What can they do today? There is power in the now as we put our new understanding into action.

Faith is a principle of both action and power. As we act on what God teaches us, we access greater spiritual power to change, grow, and become.

Once children understand what is true and why it matters, help them decide what they can do about it.

Break the principle into small, practical steps and invite their ideas. Rather than always telling them exactly what to do, ask, “Now what do you think you could do?” Help them make short- and long-term goals and identify practical steps they can take to achieve them.

King Benjamin taught about the connection between righteousness and happiness (Mosiah 2:41). Learning, especially gospel learning, is meant to lead to action. Truth moves from the head, where it is understood, to the heart, where it is valued and believed, and then to the hands, where it is put into action and becomes part of who we are.

I call these degrees of learning and internalisation the Head, Heart, and Hands Learning Levels: we understand truth with our minds, embrace it in our hearts, and live it through our actions.

This approach helps children reason, discover, and apply truth rather than simply receive and follow instructions. In doing so, they learn how to use their God-given agency to choose, change, grow, and become.

Application: What This Looks Like in Practice

Suppose we want our children to work diligently at school. Instead of yelling, threatening, bribing, or constantly nagging them, we can have a thoughtful conversation.

After prayer, a parent might begin:

"It is important to get a good education and learn as much as you can. Why do you think that matters?”

Pause. Be patient. Give them time to think and respond. Listen carefully. Ask more questions. Resist the temptation to give them all the “answers” or tell them how they should think.

After they have had some time to explore the question, you can teach and add to what they have discovered:

“You are a child of God with a mind capable of learning, thinking, and creating. The scriptures teach us to ‘seek learning, even by study and also by faith’ (Doctrine and Covenants 88:118). Education helps you develop your gifts, make wise choices, serve others, and build a happy, meaningful life.”

Explore the reasons together. Help them discover the So What? Then move naturally to the Now What?

“What could you do this week to become a better learner?”

They might suggest listening more carefully, completing their homework, reading, asking questions, preparing for the day, managing their time better, or reducing distractions.

Now they are actively participating in the process rather than simply obeying an instruction.

The parent still teaches. The parent still sets expectations. The parent still maintains appropriate boundaries. But instead of fighting for control, the parent is helping the child develop self-control.

That is the difference.

If we make every decision, solve every problem, and remove every difficulty for our children, we may achieve short-term compliance, but we do not necessarily develop long-term self-governance. Eventually, our children will need to stand on their own and make wise choices without us beside them.

Parenting is a gradual transfer of responsibility. First, we do things for them. Then we do things with them. Next, we coach and support them. Eventually, they learn to act independently with God’s guidance.

This reflects the gospel principle that we are “free to act for ourselves” (2 Nephi 2:26). Our goal is not simply to raise children who follow our instructions. It is to prepare children who can think, reason, seek God’s guidance, and act wisely for themselves.

Teaching Children to Trust Their Own Wise Choices

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the confidence to make decisions for themselves.

We want them to know that they are capable of looking at their options, weighing the consequences, seeking God’s guidance, and making a wise choice.

This does not mean giving children unlimited freedom. It means giving them appropriate freedom within appropriate boundaries so they can practise making decisions while we are still close enough to guide them.

We can ask:

“What are your options?”

“What could happen if you choose each one?”

“Which choice do you think is wise?”

“What does the Spirit tell you?”

“What do you think you should do?”

Sometimes they will make a choice we would not have made. If it is safe and appropriate, we can allow them to experience the outcome and learn from it.

Our goal is not for our children to think, “I can't do this because Mum and Dad won't let me.”

Our goal is for them to eventually think, “I could do this, but I choose not to because I know what is wise.”

That is a very different kind of obedience.

It is internal rather than external.

Raising Children Who Don't Live in Fear of Missing Out

Helping our children learn how to make wise choices can also protect them from constantly living in fear of missing out—FOMO. 

When children develop the ability to think, reason, discern, and make wise choices by fully exercising their God-given agency, they feel less pressure to conform simply to fit in or belong. They don't need to follow every trend, adopt every aspect of the surrounding culture, or experience everything simply because everyone else seems to be doing it.

They can see their friends making different choices and think, “That is their choice, but it doesn't have to be mine.”

They can walk away from something tempting without feeling deprived.

They can say no without needing their parents standing beside them.

They can miss out and still have peace.

Why? 

Because they are not simply following a rule. They have developed their own understanding of why the choice matters. Their choices are increasingly coming from within rather than being imposed from without.

This is what we are trying to cultivate: children who can weigh their options, recognise truth, seek God's guidance, and confidently choose what is good—even when another choice looks more exciting, popular, or immediately rewarding.

We are not just raising obedient children. We are raising sons and daughters of God who can stand on their own, recognise truth, repent when they make mistakes, and use their God-given intelligence and agency to choose, change, and create.

The goal is not that they will always make the same choices we would make.

The goal is that they will learn how to make wise choices for themselves when we are no longer there to make those choices for them.

Activate, Don't Replace, Their Intelligence

Our children came to earth with God-given intelligence, agency, and divine potential (Doctrine and Covenants 93:29). Our responsibility as parents is not to do all of their thinking for them, make every decision for them, or control every outcome. It is to teach, guide, model, ask questions, set appropriate boundaries, and help them learn how to use the gifts God has already given them.

When we teach our children what is true, help them understand why it matters, and then invite them to decide what they will do about it, we move beyond simply teaching obedience. We teach them how to be intelligent beings who think, reason, discern, seek revelation, and act in faith.

This takes patience. Allowing children to think takes longer than simply giving them the answer. Teaching them to make decisions can feel messier than making those decisions for them. And sometimes, despite everything we have taught them, they will choose differently than we hoped.

That is part of agency.

Our goal is not to raise children who need us beside them in order to make good choices. Our goal is to gradually prepare them to stand on their own, turn to God, recognise truth, correct their course when necessary, and confidently govern themselves according to righteous principles (Doctrine and Covenants 58:26–28).

One day, we will no longer be there to answer every question, solve every problem, or tell them what to do. But Heavenly Father will be (Doctrine and Covenants 8:2–3).

So teach them truth. Reason with them. Ask questions. Let them wrestle with ideas. Give them opportunities to choose. Allow appropriate consequences to teach them. Encourage them to seek revelation. And then trust them more and more as they learn to trust God and themselves.

We are not merely raising children who know how to follow. We are raising sons and daughters of God who know how to choose, change, create, repent, learn, and become (2 Nephi 2:26). That is what it means to activate your children's God-given intelligence.