From Power Struggles to Personal Power

Raising Children Who Know How to Choose, Change, and Create

We often hear about power struggles as though they are an inevitable part of parenting. As a teacher, I have seen many different parenting styles reflected in the children I teach. At one extreme, authoritarian parents may try to control their children through force, fear, or demands for unquestioning obedience. At the other extreme, permissive parents may surrender parental authority until their children begin calling all the shots. Neither extreme is necessary. Parenting does not have to become a contest over who holds the power.

The human desire for autonomy is powerful, and there is an eternal reason for it. Agency was central to God’s plan for us before we came to earth. In the premortal existence, Heavenly Father presented His plan, and we chose to follow Jesus Christ. Lucifer rebelled and sought to destroy the agency of man (Moses 4:1–4). There was “war in heaven,” and those who followed Christ prevailed (Revelation 12:7–11). We came to earth to be tested and to prove whether we would choose God when given freedom (Abraham 3:24–26). We defended agency then, and we must protect it now.

This truth shapes my parenting. I want my children to learn to guard and wisely exercise their agency. To me, agency includes the power to choose, change, and create. God has made us “free to choose liberty and eternal life” or to choose another way (2 Nephi 2:27). We activate our God-given powers by owning our agency. Through our choices, we learn to take responsibility for how we use these powers. When we are not intentional, we can haphazardly create havoc. Through repentance and Christ’s grace, we can change and grow. Through righteous creativity, we can partner with God in creating goodness in our own lives and in the lives of others.

This is why parents should honor both their own agency and their children’s. Our purpose is not to break a child’s will or train them into submission. We are raising sons and daughters of God who need opportunities to develop their capacity to think, reason, choose, act, and govern themselves. God Himself allows His children to “act for themselves and not to be acted upon” (2 Nephi 2:26).

Children therefore need more than obedience. They need practice using agency well by making good, age-appropriate decisions, experiencing natural consequences, correcting mistakes, and solving problems. When parents consistently make decisions for children that they are capable of making for themselves, children can become overly dependent on others and less confident in their own judgment. If we want confident, capable decision-makers, we must give them opportunities to practice.

In order to help our children develop personal power, we must also teach that agency and accountability belong together. Each person is “accountable for his own sins” (Doctrine and Covenants 101:78). Choices also bring consequences. The Lord teaches that “there is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven” upon which blessings are predicated, and when we obtain a blessing from God, “it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated” (Doctrine and Covenants 130:20–21). Agency gives us the freedom to choose, but it does not give us the freedom to choose the consequences of our choices.

Set a good example for your children of what it looks like to be fully accountable for your own choices. Instead of blaming or complaining, be willing to say, “My bad. I take full responsibility for my part in that.”

Blaming and complaining can weaken our sense of personal power. Blaming says, “Someone else is responsible for my life, my choices, or my happiness.” Accountability asks, “What was my part in this? What can I do about it? What is within my control?”

We cannot always control what happens to us or the choices other people make, but we can take responsibility for our own choices, responses, attitudes, and actions. When our children see us doing this, we model what it means to fully own and exercise our agency.

Sometimes we unintentionally raise children who feel powerless and insecure when we make too many decisions for them. Instead, we can help them develop a different perspective by teaching them to ask questions such as:

What can I choose in this situation? What can I change, and how can I change it? What can I create, and how can I create it? What can I learn from this situation?

These questions shift attention from helplessness and a victim mentality toward agency and personal responsibility. We can teach children that although they cannot control everything that happens to them, they still have power over how they respond. They can choose to change, try again, seek appropriate help, learn wise lessons, solve problems, and create something better.

The Lord teaches that we should not need to be “commanded in all things,” but should be “anxiously engaged in a good cause” and do many things of our “own free will” (Doctrine and Covenants 58:26–28). This is the maturity we want to develop in our children: the ability to recognize what is good and act without constant direction.

This is how strength of character develops. We do not strengthen children by making every decision for them or rescuing them from every consequence. Strength grows as they exercise agency, accept responsibility, and discover that they can change themselves and influence their circumstances. Allow them to experience some of their own growing pains. Appropriate discomfort can be very instructive.

We can also clearly teach our children that joy is connected to effective use of our agency. When we recognize the choices available to us, we stop waiting for everything around us to change before we move forward. Children who learn to become active participants in their personal growth discover the satisfaction that comes from effort, progress, and achievement. They begin to recognize that, with God’s help, they can use their agency to create greater goodness in their lives.

Parents as Guides and Coaches

Honoring agency means that as parents, we act as guides, teachers, and coaches. Parents hold the responsibility to teach their children (Doctrine and Covenants 68:25–28), but this does not mean controlling every decision. We establish expectations, teach principles, set appropriate boundaries, and gradually help our children develop self-governance.

The Lord’s pattern of influence is persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, kindness, and love—not compulsion (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41–42). Love and gentleness do not mean letting our children do whatever they want. Likewise, parental authority does not require domination. We can maintain standards while preserving dignity and respecting agency.

Permissiveness does not necessarily produce respect. In fact, unchecked permissiveness can foster rude, demanding, disrespectful, and manipulative behaviors, including tantrums and other attempts to get their way. Children need parents who have conviction and who, as much as possible, are steady in their faith, values, and resolve, especially while children are still growing and trying to understand the world around them. Parents who respect themselves and their responsibilities are also better prepared to respect their children. When children feel heard, respected, and trusted, they can develop greater confidence in themselves and greater trust in their parents. This strengthens a parent’s influence when children encounter the competing voices of peers, media, and society.

We cannot shield our children from everything, as much as we may wish we could. Instead, we can teach them to discern truth for themselves so they can seek the power and wisdom of heaven. The stripling warriors beautifully illustrate this principle. When faced with tremendous pressure far from home, they remembered what their mothers had taught them: “We do not doubt our mothers knew it” (Alma 56:47–48). Their mothers did not need to be physically present for their influence to remain powerful. The truths they had taught had become part of their sons.

We cannot follow our children everywhere, make every decision for them, or protect them from every influence. But we can give them truth that travels with them. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is not simply teaching them what to think, but teaching them how to think, reason, seek revelation, and discern truth for themselves. These practical and spiritual skills help them exercise and magnify their agency.

Power Struggles are Unnecessary

In the end, there does not need to be a power struggle. Controlling parenting is often rooted in fear. When parents feel uncertain or out of control themselves, they may try to regain a sense of security by controlling the people and circumstances around them, including their own children. But greater faith in God and a deeper understanding of the doctrines and principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ can help us loosen our grip. We can trust God’s pattern of agency, accountability, growth, and grace. Our role is not to control our children, but to teach, guide, influence, and prepare them to govern themselves.

Parents are not competing with their children for power. We teach, guide, protect, and lead with love. We co-parent with Heavenly Father, trusting that these are His children first. This gives us greater confidence to lead without fear and greater faith to let them grow. As we fulfill our responsibility and seek His guidance, our children gradually learn to think, choose, take responsibility, and govern themselves.

The Lord’s pattern is clear: righteous influence comes through persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, kindness, knowledge, and genuine love—not control (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41–42).

Parenting then becomes less about controlling behavior and more about developing character and teaching children to use their own power wisely. We can lead without dominating, correct without humiliating, and set boundaries without crushing independence. Our confidence as parents comes from our confidence in God. We trust Him, we trust His plan, and we trust the sacred gift of agency He has given His children.

Ultimately, I do not want my children to choose well only when I am present. I want them to recognize truth, seek God, and act with courage on their own.

That is personal power.

The goal is not to win power struggles. The goal is to raise powerful future adult leaders.

When we set our ego aside, we can honor our children’s sacred agency while teaching them that responsibility comes with it. We give them increasing opportunities to choose, change, create, and learn to govern themselves.

Our role is not to control every choice, but to teach truth, lead with love, establish appropriate boundaries, and prepare our children to use their agency wisely.

“Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves.” ~ 2 Nephi 10:23

One of the greatest purposes of parenting is to raise sons and daughters of God who know how to seek Him, recognize truth, exercise their agency, and govern themselves wisely.